


Cabin Pressure!  The Musical!

by fractionallyfoxtrot



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Crack, Gen, Musical, Repurposed Songs with Rewritten Lyrics, Stage Play Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-18
Updated: 2012-09-18
Packaged: 2017-11-14 12:33:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/515281
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fractionallyfoxtrot/pseuds/fractionallyfoxtrot
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MJN Air has only one natural enemy: Gordon Shappey. Gordon returns from their last encounter in St. Petersburg with a bruised ego and a new plan to take GERTI away from Carolyn, Arthur, Douglas, and Martin. Will he succeed this time? Will this be the end of MJN Air? Or can Arthur save the day?</p>
<p>And in song, no less?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Title / Cast of Characters / List of Songs

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [Cabin Pressure! The Musical!](http://cabinpres-fic.dreamwidth.org/4885.html?thread=7959573#cmt7959573) prompt on the meme.
> 
> Hello! Three things before we start.
> 
>   1. I’ve never written a stage play before. Some of the formatting doesn’t match the regular guidelines because it’s hard to mimic in HTML. Song lyrics are in _italics_ instead of all capitals because I thought it looked kind of harsh. As a result, emphasis is shown with  underlines.
>   2. Unfortunately, I’m not talented enough to write original music. I hope my repurposing of existing music is sufficient. The songs are originally from the Disney cartoon [Phineas and Ferb](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phineas_and_Ferb). Links to the original songs are provided in the List of Songs. All of the original songs are also complied in a [Cabin Pressure! The Musical! playlist here](http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLE9083A8FF20927E2) or are available for [download here](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/9236261/Cabin%20Pressure/Cabin%20Pressure%20The%20Musical%20-%20Phineas%20and%20Ferb%20Originals.zip).
>   3. I apologize to the BBC, John Finnemore, Stephanie Cole, Roger Allam, Benedict Cumberbatch, Disney, Dan Povenmire, Jeff “Swampy” Marsh, and all of you. Yes, you too.
> 

> 
> This is the silliest thing I’ve ever written. Put on your seat belts. Here we go.

* * *

  
CABIN PRESSURE! THE MUSICAL!   
or   
BARRIS   
or   
THE DAY GERTI WAS WON WITH GREAT HEART AND BRILLIANCE   
  
~~Book and some lyrics by~~ With great apologies from Fitz (fractionallyfoxtrot)   
Music and original lyrics by Dan Povenmire and Jeff “Swampy” Marsh   
  


* * *

  
Cast of Characters  
(in order of appearance)

**MARTIN CRIEFF** , a red haired man in his early thirties who has wanted to be an airline captain since he was six (he previously wanted to be an aeroplane), he works for MJN Air, he is the captain  
 **MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD** , just what it says on the tin  
 **ARTHUR SHAPPEY** , a man in his late twenties who carries an unparalleled enthusiasm for anything and everything, he works for MJN Air, he is the steward, he is the son of Carolyn Knapp-Shappey and Gordon Shappey  
 **DOUGLAS RICHARDSON** , a well experienced sky god and purveyor of wit and wisdom (mainly wit), he works for MJN Air, he is the first officer  
 **CAROLYN KNAPP-SHAPPEY** , a wise and world hardened woman whose age you should ask at your own risk, she is the owner and CEO of MJN Air, she is the mother of Arthur Shappey and the ex-wife of Gordon Shappey  
 **GORDON SHAPPEY** , a man who is rich, balding, and an all around not so nice guy, he is the father of Arthur Shappey and the ex-husband of Carolyn Knapp-Shappey  
 **TOM** , the chief engineer of Gordon Shappey, yup  
 **BARRIS ENGINEER** , an engineer at the Barris Airport  
 **MICHAEL HUNT** , a lawyer on vacation who is still a lawyer, he is the husband of Sophie Hunt  
 **SOPHIE HUNT** , a cheerful but intimidating woman, she is the wife of Michael Hunt  
 **CARL** , the air traffic controller at Fitton Airfield who enjoys football, historical fiction, and rustling the feathers of Martin Crieff during his otherwise boring and repetitive job

The ~~musical crack~~ play takes place over two very long days in Fitton, Barris, and Paris. There is one intermission.  
  


* * *

  
LIST OF SONGS

ACT I  
“Hey Skip”  
“G-E-R-T-I”  
“You’re Going Down”  
“Aren’t You a Little Short?”  
  
ACT II  
“If Arthur Shappey was Right”  
“I Am Not Brilliant”  
“Watching and Waiting”  
“GERTI Belongs to You” |    
Arthur, Martin, Ground Crew  
Douglas, Arthur, Carolyn, Martin  
Gordon, Tom, Engineers  
Barris Engineer, Martin  
  
  
Arthur, Douglas, Carolyn, Martin, Passengers  
Martin, Arthur  
Douglas, Martin, Carolyn  
Cast |    
“[Hey Ferb](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8dLYK675V04)”  
“[A-G-L-E-T](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrOJnmzl1uQ)”  
“[You’re Going Down](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ULtEQv0GVk)”  
“[Aren’t You a Little Young?](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTidmJMTf0I)”  
  
  
“[City of Love](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R3HAkSV990)”  
“[Ain’t Got Rhythm](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QjnwxGIY40)”  
“[Watchin’ and Waitin’](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_GYdXj3Jf0)”  
“[Summer Belongs to You](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IT0jLFAccCs)”  
---|---|---  
  
  
  



	2. Act I

ACT I  
  
SCENE I  
At RISE:  
(The interior of the MJN Air portacabin on the Fitton Airfield. There is a desk, a few chairs, and various other office fixtures. There is a closed door. On the wall is a sign that reads ‘MJN Air’ and a large area covered with tape that is labeled ‘No Arthurs.’ It is morning. MARTIN is sitting in a chair, drinking coffee, and looking over paperwork. He is dressed as a pilot.) 

(MARTIN does not look up from his paperwork.)

MARTIN  
A captain. 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
Martin, you do not respond to setting descriptions. 

MARTIN  
I might to respond to them if they’re wrong. 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
Fine. 

(The interior of the MJN Air portacabin on the Fitton Airfield. There is a desk, a few chairs, and various other office fixtures. There is a closed door. On the wall is a sign that reads ‘MJN Air’ and a large area covered with tape that is labeled ‘No Arthurs.’ It is morning. MARTIN is sitting in a chair, drinking coffee, and looking over paperwork. He is dressed as an airline captain. He wears a navy blue jacket with four stripes on his arm, one for each time he failed his CPL. On his head is a captain’s hat, laced with a stirring band of gold. He is the picture of authority as he does busywork. He sips his coffee in a captain-y fashion.) 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
Better? 

(MARTIN looks up.)

MARTIN  
I said it was wrong, not terse. You... you didn’t have to be rude about it. 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
I apologize. However, in the future, stay away from the fourth wall. 

(ARTHUR enters. He bursts through the portacabin door. He is smiling. He is wearing a homemade steward’s uniform and carrying a large hat.)

MARTIN  
God! Arthur, do you always have to make such an entrance? 

ARTHUR  
Sorry, Skip! I’m just really excited about the trip today. 

MARTIN  
We’re going to Barris, Arthur. What’s so exciting about that? 

ARTHUR  
Well, since you asked... 

(Music begins to play. ARTHUR grins widely and begins to tap his foot to the beat.)

MARTIN  
This is a musical? 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
Fourth wall, Captain. 

ARTHUR  
(singing)  
 _I know what we’re going to do today_  
 _And I can’t wait to get under way_  
 _We’re gonna take off in GERTI and no one knows why it happens!_  
 _Cause when we’re back in Fitton, here tomorrow_  
 _And the ground crew’s overcome with sorrow_  
 _We can tell them stories of our trip, of adventure and new friends!_  
 _Then we’re gonna be so glad that we_  
 _Didn’t sit all day and watch telly_  
 _I don’t think anyone can disagree_  
 _The sky is where they long to be_  
 _And that’s what makes me say:_

(Three members of the ground crew enter. They poke their heads in the portacabin door.)

ARTHUR, GROUND CREW  
 _Hey Skip!_

ARTHUR  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today!_

ARTHUR, GROUND CREW  
 _Hey Skip!_

ARTHUR  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today!_

(ARTHUR grabs MARTIN’S hand and pulls him out of his chair. MARTIN drops his cup of coffee. ARTHUR pulls MARTIN through the portacabin door. ARTHUR and MARTIN exit.)

(A hangar on the Fitton Airfield. The MJN Air portacabin can be seen in the background. A plane, specifically a Lockheed McDonnell 3-12, is on stand. ‘GERTI’ is printed on the engines and ‘MJN’ is printed boldly on the tail. It is still morning. ARTHUR and MARTIN enter, running under the wing of the plane. The rest of the ground crew--engineers, mechanics, and fire crew members--enter.)

ARTHUR, GROUND CREW  
 _Hey Skip!_

ARTHUR  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today!_ |  MARTIN  
  
 _I think I get it, please don’t sing another verse_  
  
---|---  
  
ARTHUR, GROUND CREW  
 _Hey Skip!_

ARTHUR  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today_  
 _Hey Skip, I know what we’re gonna do today!_ |  MARTIN  
  
 _I think I get it, please don’t sing another verse_  
  
---|---  
  
ARTHUR, GROUND CREW  
 _Hey Skip!_

(The music ends. ARTHUR and MARTIN are standing in front of the plane, hereby referred to as GERTI. The ground crew exits. When all the ground crew have left, DOUGLAS remains next to ARTHUR and MARTIN. DOUGLAS is dressed as a pilot.)

ARTHUR  
Hello Douglas! 

MARTIN  
Where on Earth did you come from? 

(DOUGLAS fixes his hair and straightens his jacket.)

DOUGLAS  
I was in the last number. You didn’t think I would miss the opportunity to show Phil and the rest of the ground crew who the best singer and dancer on the airfield is, did you? 

ARTHUR  
I didn’t know you could sing and dance, Douglas! 

DOUGLAS  
I’m an excellent singer and dancer. 

MARTIN  
(sullenly)  
Is there anything you’re not excellent at? 

DOUGLAS  
If there is, I have yet to encounter it.  
(DOUGLAS opens the airstairs of GERTI and ascends a few steps.)  
What do you say, boys? Ready to embark on another thrilling passage through the sky? 

ARTHUR  
Yes! 

MARTIN  
Hold on, hold on. Why is everyone so excited to go to Barris? It’s only an hour away and barely bigger than Fitton. What aren’t you telling me? What don’t I know? 

DOUGLAS  
I’m sure there are many things you don’t know, Martin, but there is nothing about this trip that we’re not telling you. It’s not the destination; it’s the journey! Slipping the surly bonds of Earth and dancing the skies on laughter-silvered wings. Doesn’t your breath catch in your throat every time we leave the runway? 

MARTIN  
Well, yes, yes it does. 

DOUGLAS  
Doesn’t your heart race when you dodge a thunderstorm and you turn to Mother Nature to shout ‘Not today, marm!’? 

MARTIN  
Well, of course, it, it is exciting. 

DOUGLAS  
That’s what we’re talking about, Martin! 

ARTHUR  
Yeah, Martin! 

DOUGLAS  
The sheer glamour of traveling the world and in GERTI, no less. The old girl can liven up the simplest trip with her mid-air attempts to save us money on fuel by getting rid of those pesky vital parts. I can’t imagine a better way to travel than in an aeroplane who feels it’s her job to test our resourcefulness on a daily basis. 

(Music begins to play. MARTIN looks around.)  
  
MARTIN  
What? Again? 

ARTHUR  
Oh! I love this one! 

DOUGLAS  
 _Through the air, gonna fly now_  
 _Time to start number one_  
 _Wanna know how we’re gonna go?_

DOUGLAS, ARTHUR  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_

DOUGLAS  
 _Gets us all up in the air, yeah, yeah, yeah!_

(ARTHUR skips around MARTIN as he sings.)

DOUGLAS, ARTHUR  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_

ARTHUR  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_ |  DOUGLAS  
 _We’re traveling the world together!_  
 _We’re traveling the world together!_  
 _We’re gonna see the world together!_  
 _We’re gonna see the world together!_  
---|---  
  
DOUGLAS, ARTHUR  
 _One trip at a time!_

(ARTHUR points towards GERTI’s tail.)

ARTHUR  
Ladies and gentlemen, my mum, Carolyn Knapp-Shappey! 

(CAROLYN enters. She stands in front of ARTHUR and MARTIN.)

CAROLYN  
 _And in the end, the most important thing_  
 _Is that we never forget_  
 _The best part of GERTI is the... the..._

(The music ends abruptly.)

CAROLYN  
Wait a minute! Why aren’t you all in the plane? Are we ready to go? Is the plane checked? Is the flight plan filed? 

DOUGLAS  
Carolyn, we wouldn’t dream of breaking out into a spontaneous song of aeroplane appreciation without first filing the flight plan. 

CAROLYN  
You’ve actually done it? 

DOUGLAS  
Scout’s honor. 

CAROLYN  
Well, all right then. Finish up so we can leave. I don’t want to be late. 

(CAROLYN ascends the airstairs and goes into GERTI. When she is out of sight, the music begins again.)

DOUGLAS  
 _Lacking exhilaration?_  
 _She’s got a plan for it all_  
 _Another bit’s gonna fall off now, yeah!_

(ARTHUR jumps onto the airstairs.)

DOUGLAS, ARTHUR  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_

(MARTIN jumps onto the airstairs.)

MARTIN  
 _Brings us closer to the sky, yeah!_

ARTHUR  
 _G-E-R-T-I, hold on tight, girl!_ |  DOUGLAS  
 _We’re gonna see the world together!_  
---|---  
  
DOUGLAS, ARTHUR, MARTIN  
 _One trip at a time!_

(The music ends. DOUGLAS and ARTHUR ascend the airstairs and go into GERTI. MARTIN ascends the airstairs. He gives a small tip of his hat then closes the airstairs. Blackout.)

SCENE II 

(The interior of the domestic terminal of Barris Airport. Windows can be seen in the background. GERTI can be seen in one of the windows. There are seats and benches. There is a small newsstand selling reading material, candy, and various other goods. It is midday. CAROLYN and ARTHUR are standing in front of the newsstand. ARTHUR is looking at the candy.)

ARTHUR  
Mum, can I- 

CAROLYN  
No. 

ARTHUR  
You didn’t even hear the end. 

CAROLYN  
Whatever it was that you were going to ask, the answer is ‘no.’ We don’t have time for any distractions. The client will be here any minute now and I’m quite sure they won’t have any patience for a delayed take off due to your not being able to find the Toblerone box that is the ‘pointiest.’ 

ARTHUR  
Those are always the best ones. You see, it’s because- 

CAROLYN  
Dear heart, please save the full explanation of your theory for another time. Possibly never. 

(GORDON, TOM, and two engineers enter. They approach CAROLYN and ARTHUR.)

CAROLYN  
Gordon, what an unfortunate surprise. 

GORDON  
Completely awful to see you too, sweetheart.  
(to ARTHUR)  
Hello Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
(quietly)  
Hi Dad. 

CAROLYN  
Well, now that the unpleasantries are taken care of, would you and your henchmen mind moving down the terminal? I worry that our client won’t be able to find us once they’ve been blinded by the light bouncing off your shiny head. 

GORDON  
I’d hold my tongue if I were you, Caro. I’m your client. 

CAROLYN  
What? What do you mean you’re our client? 

GORDON  
I mean exactly what I say I mean. I am your client. I suppose you’re now seeing the downside of accepting Internet bookings without any further confirmation. I hired you. 

CAROLYN  
Why on Earth would you do that? 

GORDON  
So I could bring you to my airport. 

CAROLYN  
Your... your what? 

GORDON  
My airport. It’s a recent purchase but one that played very nicely into my plan to take my plane back off you. 

CAROLYN  
You mean ‘buy.’ 

GORDON  
Oh no, I most definitely mean ‘take.’ Don’t I, Tommo? 

TOM  
Yup. 

GORDON  
You see, after I left St. Petersburg, I decided that I was done attempting to buy my plane back off you. It’s my plane; I bought it, I flew it, and it isn’t any less mine because some judge gave the papers over to you. 

CAROLYN  
That’s exactly what makes it mine and not yours. 

GORDON  
Only in the eyes of the law. Those papers are all you have. If I take the plane, simply take it away, you’ll need a lawyer to prove that it belongs to you and your little papers and you can’t afford one. You can’t even afford an actor pretending to be a lawyer. And even if you found the money, I’d have the plane broken up for parts and sold for scrap before I ever saw the inside of a courtroom. 

CAROLYN  
So- 

GORDON  
So, me and the guys are going to take my plane back now. There’s a taxi parked outside baggage claim that will take you and your crew back to Fitton. I suggest you round up your two sorry excuse for pilots and take it; it’s your only way out. There is no one in this airport you can trick, bribe, or intimidate into helping you. There is no way for you to leave here with my plane. 

ARTHUR  
Dad? 

GORDON  
(harshly)  
What? 

ARTHUR  
Why are you doing this, Dad? Why do you want to take Mum’s plane away? 

GORDON  
It’s not your mum’s plane, Arthur. It’s my plane. 

ARTHUR  
But why do you want it anyway? You have loads of stuff. You have money and cars and houses. You have Hailey. You even have other planes. You can’t need another one. So why do you want Mum’s? 

GORDON  
It’s principle, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
(hesitantly)  
Principle? 

GORDON  
How can you be so stupid?! It’s principle, Arthur. Prin-ci-ple. An accepted rule of conduct. It’s my plane and principle says that I should have it. If you weren’t so concerned with chocolates and bloody yellow cars, then you might have actually learned something in that horrible public school I sent you to! 

ARTHUR  
But Dad- 

GORDON  
No. 

ARTHUR  
You didn’t even hear the end. 

GORDON  
I don’t have to. You never say anything of importance. This discussion is over.  
(to CAROLYN)  
I’d say it’s been nice, Caro, but we both know it hasn’t been. Me and the guys will be down in baggage claim waiting for you to leave. There’s no other option this time. You’re going down. 

(Music begins to play.)

GORDON  
 _You’re going down when Tom and I obtain_  
 _Whatever’s left of my aeroplane_  
 _You’ll never take off in GERTI again_  
 _You’re G-O-I-N-G D-O-W-N_  
  
 _Spread the news from coast to coast_  
 _You’re going down, your operation disposed_  
 _I could say more but I don’t want to boast_  
 _It’s my jet again, she’s what I’ve missed most!_ |  ENGINEERS  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _Going down, down to the ground, ground_  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _You're going down, you're going down_  
  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _Going down, down to the ground, ground_  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _You're going down, you're going down_  
---|---  
  
GORDON  
 _This time there will be no surprises_  
 _Just give up and accept your crisis_  
 _You think you’re CEO but you forgot that I’m who runs the show_  
 _Irrefutably!_

GORDON  
 _So listen up, MJN is done_  
 _This is the end of all your so-called fun_  
 _Gather up your pilots and our idiot son_  
 _You’re going down and I finally won!_ |  ENGINEERS  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _Going down, down to the ground, ground_  
 _You're going down, down_  
 _You're going down, you're going down_  
---|---  
  
GORDON, ENGINEERS  
 _You're going down, down, down, down, down, down, down_  
 _You're going down!_

(The music ends. ARTHUR is standing very close to CAROLYN. GORDON, TOM, and the engineers exit.)

ARTHUR  
What do we do now, Mum? 

CAROLYN  
I don’t know, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
Dad’s going to take GERTI, isn’t he? 

CAROLYN  
Not if we can help it. 

ARTHUR  
(hopeful)  
Do you have a plan, Mum? 

CAROLYN  
Not yet but if we can find Douglas and Martin, maybe, just maybe, together we can think of something. 

(DOUGLAS enters.)

CAROLYN  
There’s one pilot. Where could the other one have gone? Where’s Martin? 

(Blackout.)

SCENE III

(A hangar at the Barris Airport. GERTI is on stand. It is still midday. MARTIN and BARRIS ENGINEER are facing each other.)

(Music begins abruptly.)

BARRIS ENGINEER  
 _Aren’t you a little short to be an airline captain?_

MARTIN  
No, no I’m not! 

BARRIS ENGINEER  
 _Well I must say that I’m really not impressed_  
 _You don’t look like a professional_  
 _I hardly feel you’re credible_  
 _And if I were on your plane, I would protest_  
 _But I digress_  
 _I’d say you look a little short to fly a plane_

MARTIN  
No, no I’m not! 

BARRIS ENGINEER  
 _It’s odd to see a smaller guy like you_  
 _Who’s ginger and has freckles_  
 _Who can barely reach the pedals_  
 _And who’s got a hat that might just block your view_  
 _Yes, it’s true!_  
 _That you seem a little short to do the things that you do_  
 _Flying in that old plane that you’ve got_  
 _Yes, you seem a little lame_  
 _To be controlling this here aeroplane_

MARTIN  
(dejected)  
Yeah, I get that a lot. 

(MARTIN sighs and exits. BARRIS ENGINEER turns to look at GERTI. MARTIN enters. MARTIN gets BARRIS ENGINEER’S attention. When BARRIS ENGINEER turns, MARTIN punches him in the face. MARTIN shakes his hand out. MARTIN exits. Blackout and end of Act I.)


	3. Act II

ACT II  
  
SCENE I  
At RISE:  
(The interior of a coffee shop in the Barris Airport. It is afternoon. CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN, and ARTHUR are sitting at one table.)

CAROLYN  
That’s the best you can come up with? 

DOUGLAS  
They really are restrictive conditions. 

CAROLYN  
But that’s not a solution! That’s nothing! Even Martin offered better suggestions and his were idiotic. 

MARTIN  
We’re really trying, Carolyn. 

CAROLYN  
Well, try harder! We have to think of something! I will not let Gordon take my plane. I don’t care if he buys all of England, I will not give him the satisfaction of reclaiming the only thing he’s ever lost. He’s not having it, not now, not ever. And certainly not after he shouted at Arthur and prematurely proclaimed our demise. 

DOUGLAS  
And in song, no less. 

MARTIN  
This is a musical; the villain always gets a song in a musical. 

CAROLYN  
Will you two concentrate?! 

ARTHUR  
Can’t we just drive back to Fitton? Like we did in Tunisia when we drove from Douz to Kebili? 

MARTIN  
No, Arthur! 

ARTHUR  
Sorry, Skip. 

MARTIN  
Arthur, I know you’re trying to help but this situation is nothing like what happened to us in Tunisia. This is far, far worse than what happened to us in Tunisia. We had something to work with then. Now, well, now we’ve got nothing. 

DOUGLAS  
Nada. 

MARTIN  
Zilch. 

DOUGLAS  
Goose egg. 

ARTHUR  
That doesn’t sound like a lot. 

DOUGLAS  
No, Arthur, it certainly isn’t ‘a lot.’ In fact, it’s very much the opposite of what ‘a lot’ actually happens to be. (to CAROLYN)  
Are you sure he’s secured the plane? 

CAROLYN  
Yes. It’s surrounded by ten armed guards, fifteen engineers, and five janitors who have all been paid and instructed by Gordon to not let us anywhere near it. 

DOUGLAS  
Then why are we still talking about this? I really don’t see any way out of this if we can’t even get to the plane. 

ARTHUR  
Could we wait until it’s dark and try to sneak onto the plane like ninjas? 

CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
Arthur! 

(ARTHUR covers his head.)

ARTHUR  
Sorry! Sorry! 

CAROLYN  
Arthur, for all that is sacred in the world, do, for the love of God, please shut up. 

ARTHUR  
Yes, Mum. 

CAROLYN  
Thank you. (to DOUGLAS and MARTIN)  
There has to be something we haven’t thought of yet. 

DOUGLAS  
You do realize that repeatedly saying that doesn’t make it true? 

MARTIN  
If only there were a way to get rid of the men guarding the plane. 

DOUGLAS  
Yes, Martin, capital idea! If you move beyond the obvious stage of that plan, please let us know. 

MARTIN  
I was just thinking, Douglas. 

CAROLYN  
Yes, we could hear the hamster wheel turning. 

(CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, and MARTIN continue to argue. ARTHUR stands up. No one notices. ARTHUR exits. Blackout.)

SCENE II

(The interior of the domestic terminal of Barris Airport. The men guarding GERTI can be seen surrounding her in the window. It is still afternoon. Passengers pass through the terminal. ARTHUR enters. He paces along the terminal.)

ARTHUR  
Think, Arthur, think. There has to be a way to keep Dad from taking GERTI. What if... no, that’s rubbish. Maybe if we could... no, that doesn’t make any sense.  
(ARTHUR stops pacing.)  
Dad doesn’t make any sense. They didn’t explain people like him at Ipswich.  
(ARTHUR begins pacing again. He does an imitation of DOUGLAS by lowering the pitch of his voice.)  
So, Arthur, did you have any ideas?  
(as himself)  
I did, Douglas. What if we-  
(as DOUGLAS)  
Oh, Arthur, that’s a ridiculous idea! How could you ever think that would work?  
(as himself, sullenly)  
Sorry, Douglas. 

(Music begins to play.)

ARTHUR  
 _We could say it’s free cake day_  
 _To lead the all the guards away_

MARTIN  
(voice over)  
Arthur, that is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard. 

ARTHUR  
 _Take a break and have some tea_  
 _Maybe then you’ll all agree_

CAROLYN  
(voice over)  
Arthur, we do not have time for tea right now! We need a plan! 

ARTHUR  
Yes, Mum.  
 _What if we trained a circus monkey?_

MARTIN  
(voice over)  
Not monkeys again, Arthur! 

ARTHUR  
 _How perfect would that be?_  
 _If Arthur Shappey was right?_

PASSENGERS  
 _If Arthur Shappey was right?_

ARTHUR  
 _If Arthur Shappey was right_

PASSENGERS  
 _If Arthur Shappey was right_

ARTHUR  
 _We could offer Dad some cheese_  
 _And then try to steal his keys_

CAROLYN  
(voice over)  
Dear heart, how do those two ideas even begin to relate to each other? 

ARTHUR  
 _What if we just flew away?_  
 _Forgetting this entire day?_

DOUGLAS  
(voice over)  
You’ve done it, Arthur. You’ve actually managed to become less useful than you previously were. 

ARTHUR  
 _Oh, just think of what they all would say_  
 _If my planning ever went the right way_  
 _And Arthur Shappey was right_

PASSENGERS  
 _And Arthur Shappey was right?_  
 _And Arthur Shappey was right_

ARTHUR  
 _I wish that they would see me as less of a pain_  
 _Cause all I want to do is try to save our plane_  
 _But Arthur Shappey’s not right_

PASSENGERS  
 _Arthur Shappey’s not right_

ARTHUR  
 _Arthur Shappey’s not right_

PASSENGERS  
 _Arthur Shappey’s not right_

ARTHUR  
 _Arthur Shappey’s not right_

PASSENGERS  
 _Arthur Shappey’s not right_

(The music ends. The passengers exit. ARTHUR sits on bench. He puts his head in his hands. MICHAEL enters. He is dressed in a suit and talking on a mobile phone. He paces in front of the bench ARTHUR is sitting on.)

MICHAEL  
That’s absurd! His fingerprints are on the skeleton that was in the same ditch as her body. He killed them both and he moved them both. Based on the coroner’s report, it couldn’t have taken him more than five minutes to beat her to death.  
(Beat.)  
They’re claiming that the murder and the deer shooting occurred at different times? They happened at the same time! He shot the deer, beat her to death, and then moved both the body and the skeleton into the ditch. They happened at the. Same. Time. I mean, how long does it take a bear to eat a deer carcass? 

ARTHUR  
(mumbling)  
A grizzly bear can strip a deer’s carcass in six minutes. 

(MICHAEL stops pacing and looks at ARTHUR.)

MICHAEL  
What? 

ARTHUR  
A grizzly bear can strip a deer’s carcass in six minutes. 

MICHAEL  
Are you sure? 

ARTHUR  
Yes. I’m an expert on bears. 

MICHAEL  
(into the mobile)  
Six minutes. Yes, six minutes; a grizzly bear can strip a deer’s carcass in six minutes. An expert told me, that’s how. Go look it up if you have to but make sure you tell them. We got him; there’s no way for them to refute that. We got him. Yes. Good. Thanks.  
(MICHAEL ends his call and sits next to ARTHUR on the bench.)  
Thanks, mate. Your little fact just saved me hours of work and closed the case on a murder. 

ARTHUR  
(flatly)  
You’re welcome. 

MICHAEL  
Are you coming or going? 

ARTHUR  
Neither. 

MICHAEL  
Oh, I see. Live in Barris, do you? 

ARTHUR  
No. I live in Fitton. 

MICHAEL  
Then how can you be neither coming or going? 

ARTHUR  
My dad tricked my mum into flying here so he could take back his plane. Unless we think of something clever, we’ll have to ride all the way back to Fitton in a taxi and Mum will lose GERTI forever. 

(Beat.)

MICHAEL  
That sounds like quite a problem. 

ARTHUR  
It is. It’s quite a big problem. 

(Beat. MICHAEL pulls out a business card from his wallet.)

MICHAEL  
Listen, I need to go downstairs and meet my wife in baggage claim.  
(MICHAEL holds out the business card to ARTHUR.)  
Here’s my card. If you ever need some simple legal work done, contracts or wills drawn up or the like, feel free to call me.  
(laughs)  
It’s the least I could do; my wife would’ve killed me if I got wrapped up in that case during our vacation.  
(Beat. MICHAEL puts the business card on the bench. He stands.)  
Well, nice talking to you. Best of luck with your problem, mate. 

(MICHAEL exits. ARTHUR picks up the business card and crumples it. He stands and throws the card away. ARTHUR exits. Blackout.)

SCENE III

(The interior of the baggage claim at the Barris Airport. There are two baggage carousels. It is late afternoon. ARTHUR is sitting on the edge of one of the baggage carousels. He is shuffling his feet.)

MARTIN  
(offstage)  
Arthur!  
(MARTIN enters.)  
Arthur! There you are! We were wondering where you went off to.  
(MARTIN sits on the baggage carousel next to Arthur.)  
Are you all right? 

ARTHUR  
Did you and Mum and Douglas figure out how to save GERTI yet? 

MARTIN  
No, not yet. That’s why I came looking for you. We could use your help. More minds trying to tackle the problem can’t hurt, right? 

ARTHUR  
You don’t need my help. I’m not clever. 

MARTIN  
Arthur, about earlier- 

ARTHUR  
You don’t have to say you’re sorry, Skip. It’s okay. I know I wasn’t helping. I can’t help. 

MARTIN  
Yes, you can, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
No, I can’t. Somebody needs to do something clever to get us out of here and I can’t do it because I’m not clever. 

MARTIN  
You’re clever, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
No, I’m not. Not the way Douglas is clever. 

MARTIN  
Well, no, maybe not the way Douglas is clever. But you’re clever in your own way, in, in an Arthur way, and that’s good. That’s brilliant, in fact. 

ARTHUR  
(groans)  
Skip, that’s not true. I am not brilliant. 

MARTIN  
What? Of course you are, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
No, I’m not. You’re brilliant. Mum’s brilliant. Douglas is brilliant. I’m not brilliant. 

(Music begins to play. MARTIN begins to tap his feet to the beat. ARTHUR looks around.)

ARTHUR  
You’re going to sing? 

MARTIN  
You and Douglas each got a song. I can’t have a song? 

ARTHUR  
Of course you can, Skip. I didn’t know you wanted one. 

MARTIN  
(laughs)  
Just listen.  
 _You keep saying that you’re not brilliant_  
 _But you’re forgetting that you’re a star_  
 _You make drinks in the air_  
 _You’ve got a unique flair_  
 _Sounds to me like you’re more brilliant by far_

ARTHUR  
 _I have no idea what you’re talking about_  
 _I’ve got as much brilliance as your van_  
 _This is the way I am, can’t change it, Skip_  
 _But I don’t have to be a real smart man_

_Look, I know what the deal is around here_  
 _I make coffee and clean the galley_  
 _I’m not a captain, a pilot, or even cabin crew_  
 _You can stop with this pointless rally_

_Because I am not brilliant_  
 _No, I am not brilliant_  
 _Said I am not brilliant_  
 _I am not brilliant_

MARTIN  
 _You're kidding me, right, y-you're kidding me?_  
 _You are brilliant time and time and again_  
 _There’s a crazy spark whenever you embark_  
 _Arthur, you've got brilliance times ten_

ARTHUR  
 _I think that maybe you're not listening_  
 _I find it tiring to repeat_  
 _There’s no guilt trip_  
 _It’s just not me, Skip_  
 _I’m telling you my mind’s not fleet_

_I don’t need to be the hero_  
 _I know I can’t cause I’m a clot_  
 _Just want to save the plane_  
 _So we all remain_  
 _Together in our little airdot_

_Besides I am not brilliant_  
 _No, I am not brilliant_  
 _Said I am not brilliant_  
 _I am not brilliant_

(Passengers enter. They move through baggage claim, some with trolleys or luggage. MARTIN jumps to his feet. MARTIN pulls ARTHUR to his feet.)

ARTHUR  
 _I am not brilliant_

MARTIN  
 _You are brilliant to me_  
 _Your mum and Douglas agree_  
  
 _But you helped us reach our onboard otter quota!_  
  
  
 _And you’ve got great heart_  
 _Everything you do is an art_ |  ARTHUR  
 _No, I am not brilliant_  
 _Said I am not brilliant_  
  
 _I am not brilliant_  
 _I am not brilliant_  
  
 _No, I am not brilliant_  
 _Said I am not brilliant_  
---|---  
  
MARTIN  
 _It’s time for you to try to think of a solution_

(The passengers part. MICHAEL and SOPHIE are standing in front of the other baggage carousel.)

PASSENGERS  
 _Think of a solution_

(ARTHUR sees MICHAEL at the other baggage carousel.)

MARTIN, ARTHUR  
 _Gonna try to think of a solution_

ARTHUR  
 _Because I might be brilliant!_

(MICHAEL and SOPHIE exit.)

MARTIN  
Arthur, did you have an idea? 

(The music style changes. The passengers move quickly in time with the new style.)

PASSENGERS  
 _He is brilliant_  
 _He is brilliant_  
 _He is brilliant_  
 _He is brilliant_

(The passengers exit.)

ARTHUR  
Hey, I am brilliant! 

(ARTHUR hugs MARTIN. ARTHUR runs and exits to where MICHAEL and SOPHIE exited. MARTIN runs, following ARTHUR, and exits. Blackout.)

SCENE IV

(The sidewalk in front of baggage claim at the Barris Airport. Baggage claim can be seen in the background behind windows and sliding doors. There is a taxi on the far end of the sidewalk. It is early evening. GORDON, TOM, and two engineers are chatting. ARTHUR, MICHAEL, DOUGLAS, CAROLYN, and MARTIN enter.

GORDON  
Took you long enough. I knew you were terribly stubborn but I didn’t think you’d waste hours sitting around before subcoming to the inevitable. 

MICHAEL  
Mr. Shappey? 

GORDON  
Yes? Who the hell are you? Caro, who the hell- 

MICHAEL  
Michael Hunt, Mr. Shappey, of Mason, Mills, and Associates in London. I’d prefer if you didn’t address my clients during these proceedings. 

GORDON  
Your clients? 

MICHAEL  
Yes. I represent Arthur Shappey and the rest of MJN Air. 

GORDON  
So they’ve managed to get a lawyer, have they?  
(to CAROLYN)  
Did you even check that he’s a real lawyer and not just some smooth talking bloke in a monkey suit? 

MICHAEL  
Again, Mr. Shappey, I’d like to ask that you not personally address my clients during these proceedings. Now, am I correct in stating that it is still your intention to force my clients to leave this airport without their aircraft, thereby stealing a plane which is the personal property of Ms. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey? 

GORDON  
(smugly)  
Yes. What do you intend to do about that? 

MICHAEL  
Well, obviously, my legal response would be to sue you for the return of said stolen property. It would take me less than ten minutes in court to prove that the plane belongs to Ms. Knapp-Shappey. I would take it back off you and have you reimburse MJN Air for any loss of business the company sustained while the stolen property was in your possession. 

GORDON  
Listen, you over-primped ambulance chaser, if you think you can intimidate me into- 

MICHAEL  
Or, if you chose to break the plane up for parts and drop the remains off for scrap, I would have you reimburse MJN Air for both the value of the plane and any loss of business that was a result of you stealing and destroying their aircraft. Without the actual plane available for assessment, the court would require you to pay the current value of an equivalent aircraft on the market which, for a 1986 Lockheed McDonnell 3-12, is in the range of 2 to 3.5 million pounds. 

GORDON  
You’d have no way to prove that I had the plane broken down. 

MICHAEL  
Of course I would. I’d have every movement of that plane tracked from the second it left this airport. That’s what interns are for. 

ARTHUR  
Wow! He’s really clever, isn’t he? I mean, I thought he was clever but he didn’t know anything about bears so I didn’t know he was really clever. 

(DOUGLAS tries to quiet ARTHUR.)

DOUGLAS  
Not now, Arthur. 

GORDON  
You’re bluffing. 

MICHAEL  
We don’t bluff in the practice of law, Mr. Shappey. It tends to be frowned upon. Also makes us very poor card players. 

GORDON  
How much is she paying you? 

MICHAEL  
Actually, Arthur’s taken care of my fee. 

GORDON  
Arthur’s paying you? That’s ridiculous; the boy has no income and he can barely hold on to anything larger than a tenner. I’ll double it. 

MICHAEL  
What for? 

GORDON  
To remove you as their legal counsel. I’ll pay you double your fee for the time you would’ve spent working on their case. 

MICHAEL  
The matter of my fee is not- 

GORDON  
Triple. 

MICHAEL  
The matter of my fee is not open to negotiations. However, my clients are prepared to present you with an alternative offer. They are willing to immediately sign over all rights, ownership, and principle of the aircraft to you if you can best Arthur Shappey at a game of his choosing. 

GORDON  
That’s absurd. 

MICHAEL  
On the contrary, I think it’s an incredibly fair offer. All you have to do is best Arthur and the plane is yours, in the eyes of both God and the law. I suggest you take it, Mr. Shappey; it’s your only way out. All other scenarios end with me taking the plane, or its current equivalent value, back off you and restoring it to MJN Air. This is the only way you can end up with the plane. 

(Beat.)

GORDON  
GERTI will legally belong to me again? 

MICHAEL  
I can have the papers drawn up in an hour. 

GORDON  
All right. How hard could it be? Arthur’s never been good at sport and his mind is as sharp as a blob of jam. What will it be then? What’s the game? 

MICHAEL  
Arthur? 

ARTHUR  
Douglas? 

(DOUGLAS hands ARTHUR a lemon.)

DOUGLAS  
Here you are, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
Thank you, Douglas.  
(ARTHUR holds up the lemon.)  
The Traveling Lemon. 

GORDON  
What?! 

(Blackout.)

SCENE V

(A hangar at the Barris Airport. There are two armed guards standing watch. There is a drinks trolley in front of the stage. There is a stuffed polar bear wearing a yellow life jacket on top of the drinks trolley. It is still early evening.)

DOUGLAS  
(offstage)  
It’s a simple game, gentlemen. 

(DOUGLAS, MICHAEL, ARTHUR, GORDON, TOM, CAROLYN, and MARTIN enter. DOUGLAS is holding the lemon.)

DOUGLAS  
Player One, as determined by a coin toss, will go into GERTI  
(DOUGLAS gestures towards the audience.)  
and hide, somewhere within her depths, this lemon. He may hide it anywhere he likes as long as it can still be clearly seen. Player Two will then go into the plane, find it, and retrieve it. Once it has been verified that Player Two has found the lemon, he will go back into the plane and hide it again. Then Player One will take his turn at seeking out the lemon. 

MICHAEL  
For our purposes, the rally will continue until one player is unable to find the lemon. There is no time limit on seeking or hiding the lemon. There are no restrictions as to where or how the lemon can be hid. 

DOUGLAS  
Other than it must be in plain sight. 

MICHAEL  
Which is the most sacred and fundamental law of The Traveling Lemon. If the seeking player emerges from the plane without the lemon, the game is over and the player who hid the lemon is declared the winner. Does everyone understand the rules? 

ARTHUR  
Yes! 

GORDON  
Of course. What simpleton wouldn’t understand that? 

CAROLYN  
(to MARTIN)  
Are we sure this is a good idea? 

MARTIN  
He’s your son, Carolyn. Have a little faith. 

CAROLYN  
In Arthur? 

MARTIN  
All right, I admit that’s asking a lot but his idea is the only option we have right now. And he did find a lawyer. 

MICHAEL  
Tom will toss the coin. Call it in the air. 

(TOM tosses the coin. Everyone watches its movement.)

GORDON  
Heads. 

ARTHUR  
Heads! No, no, Dad’s got heads. Tails. I meant tails! 

(The coin lands. Everyone tries to look down at it.)

TOM  
Heads. 

(MICHAEL takes the lemon from DOUGLAS and gives it to GORDON.)

MICHAEL  
You may hide the lemon now, Mr. Shappey. 

(GORDON takes the lemon and goes into the audience. He hides the lemon and returns to the stage.)

MICHAEL  
Go on, Arthur. 

GORDON  
(sarcastically)  
Good luck, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
Thanks Dad! 

(ARTHUR goes into the audience. He searches for the lemon. Audience assistance is encouraged. ARTHUR finds the lemon and returns to the stage. DOUGLAS, MARTIN, and CAROLYN cheer his return. MICHAEL inspects the lemon.)

MICHAEL  
Arthur’s found the lemon. 

GORDON  
Is it really the lemon, Tommo? 

(TOM inspects the lemon.)

TOM  
Yup. 

MICHAEL  
You can hide it now, Arthur. 

ARTHUR  
Righto! 

(ARTHUR goes into the audience. He looks for a place to hide the lemon. ARTHUR decides to hide the lemon on the stuffed polar bear. He ties the lemon to the bear’s life jacket. ARTHUR returns to the stage.)

MICHAEL  
You may seek out the lemon, Mr. Shappey. 

ARTHUR  
Good luck, Dad! 

GORDON  
Shut it, Arthur. 

(GORDON goes into the audience. He searches for the lemon. Audience assistance is not encouraged. Audience hindrance is encouraged. DOUGLAS, MARTIN, and CAROLYN are watching the place where ARTHUR and GORDON have been coming on and going off the stage. Music begins to play.)

DOUGLAS, MARTIN, CAROLYN  
 _We're watching and we're waiting_  
 _On the edge of our seats, anticipating_  
 _It’s looking like it’s possible_  
 _But we know it could go astray_  
 _We’re keeping our eyes peeled, keeping them glued to the door_  
 _If Gordon finds the lemon then it’s an even score_  
 _Our hope rests on Arthur, we don’t have any more_  
 _So we’re watching and we’re waiting_

GORDON  
The flight deck! 

(GORDON exits.)

DOUGLAS, MARTIN, CAROLYN  
 _We’re hoping and we’re praying that the lemon stays stowed_  
 _We want to take off at the end of the day saying ‘I bold you go’_  
 _So don’t even think about blinking or it just might go astray_  
  
 _So we're watching and waiting_  
 _So we're watching and waiting_  
 _Yeah we're watching and waiting_  
 _We're watching_

(The music ends.)

(It is now evening.)

MARTIN  
What is he doing in there? He’s been in there for hours. There’s only a finite amount of space on board GERTI and it isn’t very much. 

DOUGLAS  
Perhaps her door has become a magical gateway to a fantasy world. Maybe Gordon’s been lured away from his search by a plate of Turkish Delight. 

(GORDON enters. He continues to search for the lemon. He searches the drinks trolley. GORDON returns to the stage.)

MICHAEL  
Did you find the lemon, Mr. Shappey? 

GORDON  
No, because there is no lemon on that bloody plane! I’ve been up and down the cabin, I’ve searched the flight deck, I went through the galley; there is no lemon on that plane! 

DOUGLAS  
Arthur, did you hide the lemon? 

ARTHUR  
Yes! Yes, I did! 

DOUGLAS  
You didn’t accidentally bring it back out, did you? 

ARTHUR  
No! I didn’t. I didn’t! I absolutely, definitely hid it in GERTI.  
(to the audience)  
Didn’t I? 

(Audience response is encouraged.)

MARTIN  
Why is Arthur allowed to break the fourth wall? 

MYSTERIOUS VOICE THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT GOD  
(voice over)  
Because he’s doing it to save GERTI, not quibble over rank. 

MICHAEL  
Arthur, go and get the lemon. 

GORDON  
Tommo, go with him. 

(ARTHUR and TOM go into the audience. ARTHUR retrieves the stuffed polar bear. ARTHUR and TOM return to the stage.)

ARTHUR  
See? It was right here. I tied it to the polar bear’s life jacket. I’m not sure why he needs a life jacket; polar bears can swim. 

GORDON  
That’s ridiculous! 

ARTHUR  
They really can swim, Dad. 

GORDON  
Not the polar bears, Arthur. The lemon! That was not in the plane! 

ARTHUR  
It was! He was sitting on the drinks trolley. 

GORDON  
It can’t have been. I would’ve seen it! 

MICHAEL  
Tom, you went into the plane with Arthur. Was the lemon tied to the polar bear? 

TOM  
Yup. 

MICHAEL  
And was the polar bear sitting on the drinks trolley? 

TOM  
Yup. 

GORDON  
That’s impossible! 

DOUGLAS  
Are you arguing against your chief engineer? Your right hand man? Your Guy Friday? 

GORDON  
He must have been tricked. Arthur must have fooled him in some way when they went in the plane. 

CAROLYN  
Arthur? 

GORDON  
Something must have happened because that bloody bear was not in the plane wearing that stupid lemon! I would’ve seen it! 

ARTHUR  
No, you wouldn’t have, Dad. 

GORDON  
How would you know? 

ARTHUR  
Because you only see things you think are important. You don’t see the other things, the really brilliant things, you never have. Even with GERTI; you only see a plane made up of engines and wings and that sticky up bit on the end. You don’t see the places she takes us to or the brilliant things she shows us like polar bears and camels. You don’t see any of that, or, at least, I don’t think you do. If you did, I don’t think you’d be trying so hard to take her away from Mum. 

GORDON  
I don’t see any of those things, Arthur, because GERTI is a plane. She’s just a plane. Engines, wings, a tail; that’s all she is. She’s just a plane. 

MICHAEL  
A plane that belongs to, and will continue to belong to, Ms. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey. 

GORDON  
You can’t be serious. 

MICHAEL  
You emerged from the plane without the lemon, Mr. Shappey. Arthur wins. Now, I suggest you call off your men and let MJN Air leave with their aircraft. 

GORDON  
Or? 

MICHAEL  
Or, I can find a flight back to London and start preparing my case against you. Are you free to meet me in court next week? How’s Tuesday work for you? 

GORDON  
Fine! Fine! Fine! Let them keep their pathetic excuse for an aeroplane.  
(GORDON points at Carolyn.)  
She’s still got debts,  
(He points at Douglas.)  
he’s still a thief,  
(He points at Martin.)  
he’s still an imbecile,  
(He points at Arthur.)  
and he’s still a sorry excuse for a son! Tommo! Get the plane fueled, call the tower, and give them priority for take off. I want all of them out of my airport and out of my sight as soon as possible! Come on then, you lot! 

(GORDON, TOM, and the two guards exit. DOUGLAS, MARTIN, and CAROLYN all hug ARTHUR.)

MARTIN  
Arthur, that was amazing! 

CAROLYN  
You wonderful, wonderful boy! 

DOUGLAS  
Arthur, do you know what you are? In a word? 

DOUGLAS, MARTIN, CAROLYN  
Brilliant! 

(Blackout.)

SCENE VI

(A hangar at an airport in Paris. The city can be seen in the background. GERTI is on stand. It is morning. The door to GERTI opens and the airstairs are lowered. SOPHIE enters. She appears in the door.)

SOPHIE  
Paris! Oh, it’s beautiful! Michael, Michael, come look! 

(MICHAEL enters. He appears in the door.)

MICHAEL  
It’s lovely, dear. 

SOPHIE  
It’s more than lovely, silly! It’s absolutely beautiful! I can’t believe we’re here! Finish up your work and I’ll go and see about getting us a car. 

(SOPHIE descends the airstairs and exits. MICHAEL descends the airstairs. CAROLYN and ARTHUR enter. They appear in the door of GERTI. They also descend the airstairs.)

CAROLYN  
Is she gone already? 

MICHAEL  
Nothing can stand between that woman and her shopping. 

CAROLYN  
I see. Is that why you became a lawyer? To pay for her pursuit of Prada? 

MICHAEL  
(laughs)  
No. Actually I became a lawyer to sue her father for her hand in marriage. He claimed that he had every right to dictate whom she could or could not marry, even at the age of twenty-five. I had to prove him wrong. 

CAROLYN  
Out of spite? 

MICHAEL  
Out of love. 

CAROLYN  
Fancy that. 

MICHAEL  
I have to thank you again for flying us to Paris. Sophie’s always wanted to come here. I think this is the only thing I could’ve done that would’ve kept her from killing me for working last night. 

CAROLYN  
It’s the least we could do, seeing as we wouldn’t have a plane to fly you to Paris with without your help. 

MICHAEL  
Arthur was the one who came up with everything. I only executed the plan. 

ARTHUR  
But you did it brilliantly! 

MICHAEL  
So did you, Arthur. 

SOPHIE  
(offstage)  
Michael! Have you finished? Can we go? 

MICHAEL  
Coming dear!  
(to CAROLYN and ARTHUR)  
It appears I must be going. Thank you again and feel free to call me if Gordon gives you any more trouble. 

CAROLYN  
Trust me, we won’t hesitate. 

ARTHUR  
Michael! Don’t forget this!  
(ARTHUR hands MICHAEL a Toblerone.)  
It was the pointiest one in the whole airport. 

(MICHAEL takes the Toblerone from ARTHUR.)

MICHAEL  
Ah, yes, my fee. Thank you, Arthur. Say goodbye to the other chaps for me? 

ARTHUR  
Righto! 

MICHAEL  
It’s been a pleasure. Take care of yourselves. 

SOPHIE  
(offstage)  
Michael! 

MICHAEL  
Coming! 

(MICHAEL exits. DOUGLAS and MARTIN enter. They appear in the door of GERTI.)

MARTIN  
Where’s Michael? Has he gone? 

CAROLYN  
Just now. Sophie pulled him away so they could go shopping. 

DOUGLAS  
She really has him by the wallet, doesn’t she? 

CAROLYN  
Not exactly. 

MARTIN  
So, what now, Carolyn? 

CAROLYN  
Now you are free to spend the day in Paris. 

DOUGLAS  
What? Really? 

CAROLYN  
Why not? We’re here already. You lazy pilots can take your twelve hours of rest while Arthur and I go to see the Eiffel Tower. 

ARTHUR  
Brilliant! And then, Mum, can we go home? 

CAROLYN  
Of course, dear heart. There is nowhere else in the world better for you and GERTI than Fitton. 

(Blackout.)

SCENE VII

CARL  
(voice over)  
Welcome home, Golf Tango India. Vacate runway to your right and taxi to your stand. 

MARTIN  
(voice over)  
Thank you, Carl. 

(A hangar at the Fitton airfield. The MJN Air portacabin can be seen in the background. GERTI is on stand and her door is open. ARTHUR, MARTIN, and DOUGLAS enter. They appear in the door and descend the airstairs.)

ARTHUR  
You know, chaps, I think that was the best trip I’ve ever been on. 

DOUGLAS  
Really? What was your favorite part? When we spent half a day stranded in the cultural mecca that is Barris Airport? 

MARTIN  
Or when your dad tried to steal GERTI again? 

DOUGLAS  
No, I know. It must be when you single-handedly saved your mum’s plane, the company, and our jobs. 

MARTIN  
That has to be it. 

ARTHUR  
It was all of it actually. We wouldn’t have met Michael if we hadn’t been stuck in the airport and GERTI wouldn’t have needed saving if Dad hadn’t tried to steal her. Plus the singing was loads of fun. 

DOUGLAS  
I can’t disagree with you there. 

ARTHUR  
So, what are we doing tomorrow? 

MARTIN  
I don’t know. What do you want to do? 

ARTHUR  
Me? Really? I could decide? 

MARTIN  
Of course. 

ARTHUR  
Even if I wanted to go to Kuala Lumpur? 

DOUGLAS  
I hear Malaysia’s quite nice this time of year. Yes, Arthur, you can decide where we go and what we do because, as you’ve proven on this trip, you are the Supreme Commander of GERTI. No offense, Martin. 

MARTIN  
None taken at all. 

ARTHUR  
Do you really mean that, chaps? 

DOUGLAS  
Yes, Arthur. We really do. 

(Music begins to play.)

DOUGLAS  
 _It's been a long, long trip_  
 _And there were moments when we doubted_

MARTIN  
 _That we'd ever reach the point_  
 _Where we could laugh and sing about it_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _Now the sun has set on this,_  
 _Another extraordinary day_  
 _And when it comes around again_  
 _You know we'll say_  
  
 _Tell us where you wanna go today_  
 _All we need is a place to start_  
 _We’ll chart a course, you name it_  
 _Cause we're not messing about_  
  
 _Yes we can fly around the world, we’ll make it_  
 _We know we can really take it_  
 _To the limit as long as_  
(DOUGLAS and MARTIN point at GERTI.)  
 _she holds out_

(The ground crew enter.)

DOUGLAS  
 _Arthur, it’s compulsory to have you on board_

MARTIN  
 _Cause your importance just can’t be ignored_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _No matter the flight, we’ll always require you_

GROUND CREW  
 _We’ll always require you_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _There's a world of possibilities up in the air_  
 _Why settle for a little, go and take your share_  
 _Don't need an invitation, every day is new_  
 _Yes, it's true_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_ |  GROUND CREW  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
---|---  
  
DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _GERTI belongs to you, she’s yours, forever more_  
 _Do whatever you wanna do_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_

(CAROLYN enters. She appears in the door of GERTI and descends the airstairs.)

CAROLYN  
All right, I'm taking a verse. 

DOUGLAS  
Be our guest. 

CAROLYN  
 _I’ve traveled all around the world_  
 _And thought I’d never see the day_  
 _That you helped me put your Dad to shame_  
 _So now I've got to say_  
  
 _That though I've often joked about_  
 _Your cheeriness and simple world view_  
 _Today I can't imagine_  
 _Having a better son than you_  
  
 _And you gotta believe in something_  
 _So today I believed in you_  
 _And you came through, we made it_  
 _I've never been so proud_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _Never been so proud_

CAROLYN  
 _I know at first it seemed implausible_  
 _But we accomplished the impossible_  
 _Now there's something that I've got to say out loud_  
  
 _Arthur, you are brilliant, no one can disagree_

DOUGLAS  
That’s it! 

CAROLYN  
 _You’re much more than a steward, now we all can see_

MARTIN  
She’s got it! 

CAROLYN  
 _MJN Air would be a loss if we lost you_

DOUGLAS  
By Jove, I think she’s got it! 

CAROLYN  
 _Don't waste a minute, let’s get in the air_

MARTIN  
Yeah! 

CAROLYN  
 _The world is calling so, just get out there_

DOUGLAS  
That's what we’re talking about! 

CAROLYN  
 _You can see forever so your dreams are all in view_

DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _Yes it's true_

CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_ |  GROUND CREW  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
---|---  
  
CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN  
 _GERTI belongs to you, she’s yours, forever more_  
 _Do whatever you wanna do_

(ARTHUR runs to the front.)

ARTHUR  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_ |  CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN, GROUND CREW  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
---|---  
  
(ARTHUR points to DOUGLAS and MARTIN.)

ARTHUR  
 _GERTI belongs to you and you_  
(ARTHUR gestures to the audience.)  
 _and to all of you_  
 _I couldn't say it if it wasn't true_

ARTHUR  
 _GERTI belongs to you_ |  CAROLYN, DOUGLAS, MARTIN, GROUND CREW  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
---|---  
  
(CARL enters.)

CARL  
 _Baby, baby, baby, baby_

CAST  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _Whatever you want to do, you make the rules_  
 _You’ve got the crew to see you through_  
  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _GERTI belongs to you_  
 _Just remember that you can do it and when you're through_  
 _It'll change your point of view_  
  
 _GERTI belongs to you!_

(The music ends. The ground crew exit, chatting happily. Someone does an impression of a fruit. CAROLYN, ARTHUR, DOUGLAS, and MARTIN stand in front of GERTI.)

CAROLYN  
Go ahead, Arthur. Say it. 

ARTHUR  
Say what? 

MARTIN  
It starts with a ‘B.’ 

ARTHUR  
Balloon? 

DOUGLAS  
No. What do you say at the end of a play? 

ARTHUR  
Bravo! 

CAROLYN  
Not to the actors; you’re an actor. What do you say to people you’re going to part ways with? 

ARTHUR  
Oh! I know that one!  
(to the audience)  
Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our symphonious story performance today has now reached its ultimate termination. 

DOUGLAS  
He means the show’s over. 

ARTHUR  
Yes. So as yourselves prepare for departing, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the egression. 

MARTIN  
He means please remember to take your things with you. 

ARTHUR  
In concluding, it's been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the musical experience today, and I do hope you'll refavor ourselves with the esteem of your forthcoming custom going forward. Thank you for flying MJN Air. You’ve all been brilliant! 

(Music begins to play. CAROLYN, ARTHUR, DOUGLAS, and MARTIN make their goodbyes and exit. Curtain.)  



End file.
